Emotion, Feeling, Pain Pt.1

I would like to introduce the first installment of many to come. This is Emotion, Feeling, Pain; this is a series dedicated to exploring different emotions and feelings through the eyes of someone feeling it. WARNING: The feelings being described can be very disturbing. Children, ignorant people, and weak minded  folk should NOT read. Seriously I tried to make these feel as real as possible. It's been to the point where i really found some dark places in my mind that i shouldn't have ever gone to. You know that one dark alley that would always scare you to go down, but you were always so curious about what was down there? Well, luckily this cat wasn't killed, but its been beat up. Well don't let me discourage you from reading, people say that they really are good, just keep in mind I was in a dark place writing these. Oh well, hope you guys enjoy and give me some feed back dammit! 8]

Emotion, Feeling, Pain...

HATIN’:


Look at him; why dat nigga smilin’ so hard? He better be happy…fake ass nigga. Swear he da shit, I bet he soft too. I wish that nigga would come up to me and say somethin’, I WISH A NIGGA WOU-oh hey what’s up?.....I let him slide for today, he aint want this; yhats why he was actin all friendly. Straight up, fuck dat nigga. His flaw ass aint never gonna amount to shit. You hear that? SHIT!!! You aint shit, I FUCKIN’ HATE YOU!! Don’t you aask me why, you already know what the fuck you did. You wanted to act all “I’m too good for the world,” and look down your nose at us. What? Yall don’t agree with me?..Well fuck you all too, I HATE ALL OF YOU!!! Why? Cuz yall let a flaw ass, pussy ass, turn your back on your home ass nigga!..fuck you and your happiness; I got my own problems to deal with, no I do not have the fancy clothes and the fancy car, with the nice shoes, and the six figure checks. You wanna know why?..Cuz I aint turn my back on my people, I stayed in the middle of all the gun shots from glocks and uzi’s, I’ve put my family in harms way so that I could keep it real..you just dint get it, do you?..I hate you brcause I uh..because you uh..because they uh…I hate you because..you’re so happy. I don’t hate you, I hate me; I hate not having what you have, not doing what you do, not having your talents..i hate you so much because I hate me..I HATE ME!!! I cant let anything go, I’m always jealous, I cant stop thinking about how good you have it and how hard you worked to get there. I hate me so much; it just hurts to eaven think about it. my house is not big, my name isn’t out there, you are truly happy, and I am truly hating every bit if it. dam you and all your happiness, fuck my exsistance in the world, the world in which I hate…

USELESS:

I AM USELESS! I can’t do anything right, I’m a waist of life and space. My mother doesn’t want me in her house; she says I waist all her money and the minute I turn 18 I’m out of here. Where am I gonna go? What am I gonna do? I’m good for nothing, absolutely nothing. I will never accomplish anything, I will never be happy; I will always be a loser. CAN NOBODY SAVE ME?! Somebody PLEASE, save me...save me…save me…everyone hates me; no one loves me, I’m a cancer to peoples lives and I feel like I must take the chemo that is in my hand and end this cancer from my families body. My brother calls me names and pokes fun at the fact that I’m over weight. I’m 5’6 and 120 pounds, why can’t I be 100? My father constantly constantly beats me, for no reason at all, but that I’m a fuck up and I deserve it. My older cousin used to be my best friend but I was so stupid to think that I could be beautiful, that’s why he taught me that lesson that night. That’s why he ripped my soul off of me, that’s why he stuck his blade inside me and made me bleed my innocence out all over the bed. I wanted it right? That’s what I get for trying to be beautiful, I’m just another ugly bitch who can’t do shit right. I should just die and save everyone the trouble of dealing with me. I AM NOTHING, I AM SHIT, I AM USELESS. Fuck up, straight up, what up? Not me, I’m down, way down, to the ground, under the corpse of the world, so low the devil is pushing me back up because not even he wants me around. Maybe death will solve all the problems, maybe this mighty blade will heal everyone’s troubles, maybe the red sin pouring from my veins could paint the picture of happiness for everyone. I am no longer welcome here, I am no longer blessing, I am the epitome of depression, I am the ghost of sadness, I am a butterfly without wings, a fly in a spiders web, a missing child. I am…

D.O.F.

Over the years, we find those special few who become something more than just a friend or associate. these people are who we call our brothers, sisters, cuzzo's, kin folk, etc. In my last post, I talked about true happiness, well these people are the reason you smile everyday. These people don't judge you, control you, or let anything come between you. The ones who got yuor back, who will do anything for you. These are the people who can actually call your parents Mom and Dad without being looked at differently. They respect you and every dicision you make. They genuinely love you. The main problem with all of us is that we don't always know who those people are. Sometimes, we get so caught up trying to be cooly eith everyone, that we ignore who our real friends are. I've had a plethra of friends throughout my life, but none like the ones i have now. There are five people who have been there from the beginning, and who i want in my life forever; a spanish sweet heart, a lucky cereal, the biggest little blue man, a twin of an innocent angel, and the determined lion. No one came bfore them and no one can EVER replacethem or the love I have for them. We all have our own special groups of who we can't live without, but what happens when that friendship, that sppecial bond is tested?
"Our friendship could never break!" sure, until you are pissed off at each other. Unspoken bonds are broken, and hearts aretorn. The viens that lie inside the body of friendship, leaks the pain down the arms of anger, and the fukd up thing is that it was all caused by a mere paper cut. Nobody realizes how fragile a friendship can be, until it fails its test and is broken. Nobody appreciates the love between brothers, until they no longer speak. Nobody accepts the trust of sisters, until the wrath of the untamed tounge is unleashed. NOBODY realizes, NOBODY knows, NOBODY appreciates, NOBODY CARES!!! We let the simplest arguments break up an amazing friendship, we let our pride and anger come before love and respect.We destroy years of harmony, for what?...an argument?..Nobody thinks about what could happen, until your sitting in your room, alone, with pain in your heart, tears in your eyes, the same question "why did it have to be this way?," and the most amazingly special bond broken. This, my friends, is D.O.F....Death Of Friendship..

The Pursuit of Happiness...

In the recent months I've learned a valuable lesson; happiness. Happiness is completely defined by yo and only you. Too many times, have people been too busy worrying about what everyone else thinks, or what everyone else feels is right for them. Honestly, no one can tell yo how to be happy because everyone has their own view on happiness. I say ignore what everyone says and do three things; follow your gut, follow your heart, and trust in God. With those three things I can bet that you turn out the happiest you've ever been. Don't let anyone else define who you are, you are your own person and no one should be able to take you away from that. People may ask, "Well Cloud what is happiness, and how will I know when I have it?"
First off, that was a very good question and I know you all were thinking it, lolz. Secondly, it's very different to describe happiness because each persons definition from another, it's like a finger print. Although there is no real definition, there are a few guidelines or signs that happiness is in your life.

1. Your thought and definition of happiness should come from you and ONLY you. NO ONE should be telling you how you should live your life, how you should feel, what you should do, who you should be with, etc. Personally, I say fuk dem niqqas! lolz but seriously whatever you do in your life is between you and God. Your life is no ones business but yours and you should treat it that way. Does that mean shut everyone out of your life? Hell no!! It means don't let anyone judge you for what you do in your life.
2. Happiness does NOT in any way HARM, HINDER, ABUSE, or DESTROY you. Just because you like doing drugs does NOT mean that you have happiness, it just means that you need something to make you feel happy when you should be naturally happy. True happiness makes you wake up each day with that extra pep in your step. It doesn't hurt you or anyone around you. Happiness can turn your life around, happiness can be the difference between "your fired," and "I love my job." Happiness can pull you thru the storms of life without a scratch on your head .

Happiness is so many things that it is impossible to put it all on here. My advice for anyone looking for true happiness, is to look around; literally take a day for yourself, turn off your phone, your computer, plug out your TV, and just figure out why your not happy and how you can become happy. Trust me, I did it. It took me nearly losing my friends, my family, my dream, and the love of my life to learn this valuable lesson. I'm getting closer to finding that happiness and I look to the future with hope in my eyes and a renewed heart. So keep your head up pplz, I hope you learned something from this, first of many, post. Remember be happy and don't give a dam about what ppl think, Yaaaaaa!!! 8]